Wow, another year has passed. Where did the time go? So much has happened in my life this past year that I am not sure I have even processed it or dealt with it.
I guess I will start from the beginning of the year.
The past year or so my husband and I have been having major issues. Mostly trust issues because some of my friends are partiers and love to hook up, so he assumed that I was doing the same. So we fought constantly over what I was and was not doing, and anyone who knows me knows that the past few years I have been lame central. After all of the stuff that happened with me at the prison and my conviction, I did go a lil crazy and I was going out and getting wasted but I always came home alone to my own bed. Once I started dealing with my depression instead of drinking about it, my life calmed down drastically. But the damage to my marriage had already been done. I stopped respecting my husband becase of the way he began to talk to me and put me down regarding my past, my weight and my value as a wife. In my own head our marriage was over because there was no trust and abuse had begun. I continued to live like I was married but I no longer saw him as my husband. When the phone rang I would cringe because I knew a fight was ahead.
End of march I drunkinly decided on a random late night hookup with someone I never expected and never expected to continue hooking up with. But the minute I kissed him, something sparked. That never happens, before this I have had 3 relationships my whole life, my highschool sweetheart, my daughters dad, and my husband, and they all started with a spark. The next day I chilled with my new friend again, and then a couple more times that week. Suddenly, when he wasn't around I felt something I hadn't felt in years..lonely.
I thought that I wasn't lonely, I was coping with the fact that I was married to an inmate, a lifer at that by surrounding myself with friends, but once they were gone something was missing. And after having and empty bed for 6 years and then suddenly waking up to someone, I realized I was deprived and aching for company.
I continued to live my life as I was before, thinking my marriage was over. Then one day I got a call that changed everything, or so I thought. My husband asked me for a divorce. He had been talking to another woman and wanted to pursue that path with her. All of the feelings I thought were gone came rushing back and I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. I felt actual physical pain. I did not know what to say or do or thinkm so I cried, and cried and cried and cried and puked and cried some more. By then I had been having gallbladder issues which ended up leading to a 30lb weight loss and an anxiety diagnosis on top of the manic depression I have been suffering from since my early teens and it all came back to me. I wanted to die, my world felt like it was falling apart, the man I gave up everything for was now walking away fromme because I failed as a wife and he sought comfort elsewhere. But how could I be upset? I had a man in my life now, someone who was filling the void that I didn't know was there. It makes no sense but I was hurting, and worse than I have ever hurt in my life. I spent the next couple of days in a daze, literally mourning my husband, grieving the loss of my marriage. All the while my new friend was right there by my side holding me, letting me cry, being the strength I no longer had. The strongest person I knew, me, crumbled. The following week I filed for divorce. I tried to put it all behind me and move on. Then I got another phone call a few weeks later. It was my husband, he was dumbfounded and confused. He had gotten the divorce papers and was freaking out. He cried and begged and pleaded. Once again the feelings I felt for him came rushing back, but at the same time I had begun to fall in love with Joe, my new dude. I was so confused. I didn't know what to do. After a few days of thinking I decided to work things out with my husband, so I withdrew a bit from Joe. My husband became the man I fel in love with again and I felt us getting stronger. But all the while Joe was telling me that he loved me, told me everyday how beautiful I was, and made me feel so loved. During this time Joe and I had begun having some pretty major issues which is what was making me want my husband more, but we were getting through it. Then something insane happened.....I found out I was pregnant!! 9 years after Taryn, I'm pregnant, doctors telling me it will never happen and I am pregnant. I will admit, it was the 2nd hardest news I had received this year. I smiled like I was happy, but I was dying inside. So many different thoughts and emotions were washing over me. I am pregnant by someone I barely know, someoone who in our short time together has already hurt me, someone who was not my husband. I will not lie, I considered ending the pregnancy on more than one occassion, and it is my husband that convinced me to keep it. He was devistated when I told him about the baby. We cried and cried together. He told me that ok, its official, our marriage is over, there is no turning back now, but that he would never leave my side. We were friends before we were married and our frienship is deep enough to survive this and divorce. He reminded me that this baby is a miracle, something I had been praying for and I I got rid of it, that would be a slap in God's face and I may never get this chance again. So I resolved to keep the baby and put my all into making it work with Joe. Yes a part of me will always love Brian, but that love is now a part of my past, our friendship is what lies ahead. Joe, Taryn, and our daughter Leila are what my future holds. I still have my days where I miss my husband, and our marriage, and no I dont think it is going to go away anytime soon, but I have to refocus my life. I am no longer Brian's wife, a lifer's wife, I am now Taryn and Leila's mom and only that. I do not know what the future holds for me and Joe, but I am interested to find out. Just know...I am still not ok, I am still depressed, and I still smile throught the pain, but I do know one thing for sure...this too shall pass
No comments:
Post a Comment