Quick stop in

Man...life has bee crazy!! So much has been going on in my life and my head. 1st off I had a baby

Here she is. Lil miss Leila Ruby Monique. Yup she has 3 names cuz she is the bomb.com and I felt like she needed 3. She is surely a blessing  and one of the best babies ever. No she really is. She loves her big sis Taryn. Here she is. I just figured out how to add pics otherwise you would have met her sooner. She is THE best big sister.

Anyway so yea I had a baby which is crazy to me because I never wanted one and now I have to gorgeous girls. 

A few moths ago I got bitter sweet news. My husband(yea I'm still married) is getting out of prison. That would be my luck, we call it quits due to everything we have been through and he gets a parole date so my chance to be with him as husband and wife will never be a reality. Yea parts of me desire that, but we have both moved on so it is for the best. He is one of my best friends and I am glad to have him in my life still. He called me last night and will be home next week. YAY!

Joe got a better(not the best) but better job and it has improved our relationship so much. Not because I am a money grubbing wench but because it has improved his self esteem which in turns helps our relationship. I am at a good place in my own head that I am looking forward to our lives together and actually am ready to get married(once I am divorced haha) and have another baby.

Man I cannot focus at all right now so when I can I will be back and fill you in from front to back top to bottom and everything else in between.

The many loves of my life...there hasn't been many

I had said a few weeks back on my FB that i was going to discuss my past relationships and the affect they have had on my life as far as helping me grow and become who I am today. Lets start from the beginning......

Mike
This was my first love, my highschool, well after high school sweetheart. The first guy EVER to look past my Trich and and publicly be with me. We dated for a while during my senior year, his sophmore year then broke up. Right after graduation we started going out again. I loved him more than any teen girl could love a boy. He was my best friend, my partner in crime, my 1st. You never forget your first right? I was his 1st too and without the details I will tell you he made my first time one of the most memorable experiences of my life, the kind that melts your heart and warms your souls and lets you know you are truely loved.
During my time with him, I became that girl...the liar, the cheater, the whore. I had a coming out or coming of age while we were together, all of a sudden I was being desired by men and Mike's love for me should have been enough but it wasn't. I cheated on him every chance I got and hated myself everytime, but I never said no. During our 3 years together I was able to see how happy and loved I could make someone feel and the pain, and destruction my careless actions could bring to another soul.
We moved away together and outside of the confines of our lil town our relationship could not survive. We broke up, he hates me now, always will. And I don't blame him. I am thankful for the love he showed me, thankful that I waited to give myself to someone who was truely worthy of me, thankful he waited for me. I did ALOT of growing during our time together, and he will always have a lil special place in my heart and my memories. I still have a lil box that has pics of us, letters her wrote, drawings he made me. Shoot the tattoo in the middle of my back was drawn by him, so I carry a part of him with me always.

Vic
I do not even know where to begin with him. I met him through a friend and we began dating when Mike and I broke up. He was my rebound. We had so much fun together in the beginning. Partied all the time which is something I had never experienced before. We were drunk everyday, I went to work drunk, came home and drank more, partied all night, did drugs, you name it I was experienceing it. Next thing I know I am pregnant...So I did what I thought I was supposed to do and got an apartment with him. That is when the abuse started. It wasnt everyday at first. Only on the weekends when he was drunk firm his nights out at the bar. It started with a slap, or a choke, then turned into punches and kicks. I dreaded the weekends because i knew that by 2 am, it would begin. I never told anyone in the beginning what was happening. Who was I going to tell? My sis had her marriage, and my mom was in la la land so I endured. At about 5 months pregnant I started fighting back. He choked me and punched me in the stomach and it no longer became me I was protecting. I was protecting MY baby. So after that I fought back and he realized that I was much bigger and much stronger than he was so the abuse subsided and turned mostly verbal. During the rest of my pregnancy and after Taryn was born we fought like cats and dogs, everyday. He refused to keep a job or help with our daughter. It got old. I realized that trying to keep it together for Taryn so that she could have her dad in her life wasnt worth it. No child deserves to witness what she did in her first few years and if I was gonna do bad, I would do it by myself. My father raised me to be a strong woman and I will do the same for Taryn. I kicked him out and have never looked back. During my time with him, I learned what I will not put up with in a relationship. No man has ever since then or will ever raise a hand to me or my child. I wish him all the best in life and pray that one day he gets his shit together becsue he is missing out on a beautiful girl that I have been raising without him.

Brian
Say what you want, yes I fell in love with and married an inmate. And I wouldn't change a second of the time we spent together. Today and forever I will say yes, it was worth it, yes I would do it all again. He is one of the most intelligent and motivated people I have ever met. He made me want to be a better woman, mother, and person. Encouraged me to go back to school, to get a better job, to experience new things. No he had nothing to offer me but his mind and his heart and anyone who truely knows me knows that its all i need. I dont need a man with a flashy car or high paying job or fancy house, I can get those things myself, I need love, support, encourgement, someone to have my back, someone to be my best friend, someone to open my eyes to the world and I will tell you from day one, thats all Brian did for me. He did all of that and never asked for anything...not one thing in return. I will forever treasure him and his love for me and Taryn. He should be coming home soon, by that I mean being released, and I look forward to the day that we can see each other and talk here on the outside. He will forever be one of the best friends I have ever had. Even though we are divorcing, a part of me will always love him to. My first husband, the first man I would have layed down my life for, the first "DAD" Taryn ever knew.

Sam
Wow this girl. I don't even know where to begin with her. I will say this, she is the only woman I ever have and ever will love. We just got together at the wrong time in both of our lives. But she will forever be one of the best friends I have. I would to this day do anything, go anywhere, be anything she needs. I will have her back until the end of time. There is a special place in my life, my heart and my mind for her. I will always be there to hold her when she needs it and check her if she needs that too. We are brutally honest with each other and she will forever be my boo.

Joe
Oh Joe, he is a dork and I love the hell out of him. he came into my life at a point where I felt it was falling apart, a time when I was on my knees praying and begging God to help me get through another day. He from day one saw me at my absolute worst, broken, tired, wanting to end it. He saw a part of me that has been hidden from the entire world my whole life. My marriage was ending, my debt was climbing, my health mentally and physically was scaring me, I wanted to die and contemplated suicide everyday. Most men would have run from a crazy ass female like me. But you know what he did? He held me, he let me break down in his arms and completely fall apart. He swept all the broken peices into a pile and helped me put them back together. He began and ended everyday telling me how beautiful I am, how awesome I am, how good I am. He never let me beat myself up, and when I began to fall into my lil pit of darkness and held out his hand and pulled me back up. He has let me be weak when I am so used to always being the strong one. I can fall into his arms when I have no strength left and he carries me and becomes my strength. Man I love him. He has blessed me with a miracle that I have been praying for since Taryn, another baby. Our daughter, Leila. I can't wait for her to meet him, I know he will be a great dad to her and one day if they both want it, to Taryn. Yes he has his faults, we all do and yes together in our short time, we have had some rough situations, but we have come through them. He has showed me what it is like to not only have a man, but to have a partner, and Taryn has got to see how a man should treat a woman and no less. I am so looking forward to the future with him.

And there you have it. Short and sweet. The people that have made me who I am.

My Lifetime Movie Life

Wow, another year has passed. Where did the time go? So much has happened in my life this past year that I am not sure I have even processed it or dealt with it.
I guess I will start from the beginning of the year.
The past year or so my husband and I have been having major issues. Mostly trust issues because some of my friends are partiers and love to hook up, so he assumed that I was doing the same. So we fought constantly over what I was and was not doing, and anyone who knows me knows that the past few years I have been lame central. After all of the stuff that happened with me at the prison and my conviction, I did go a lil crazy and I was going out and getting wasted but I always came home alone to my own bed. Once I started dealing with my depression instead of drinking about it, my life calmed down drastically. But the damage to my marriage had already been done. I stopped respecting my husband becase of the way he began to talk to me and put me down regarding my past, my weight and my value as a wife. In my own head our marriage was over because there was no trust and abuse had begun. I continued to live like I was married but I no longer saw him as my husband. When the phone rang I would cringe because I knew a fight was ahead.
End of march I drunkinly decided on a random late night hookup with someone I never expected and never expected to continue hooking up with. But the minute I kissed him, something sparked. That never happens, before this I have had 3 relationships my whole life, my highschool sweetheart, my daughters dad, and my husband, and they all started with a spark. The next day I chilled with my new friend again, and then a couple more times that week. Suddenly, when he wasn't around I felt something I hadn't felt in years..lonely.
I thought that I wasn't lonely, I was coping with the fact that I was married to an inmate, a lifer at that by surrounding myself with friends, but once they were gone something was missing. And after having and empty bed for 6 years and then suddenly waking up to someone, I realized I was deprived and aching for company.
I continued to live my life as I was before, thinking my marriage was over. Then one day I got a call that changed everything, or so I thought. My husband asked me for a divorce. He had been talking to another woman and wanted to pursue that path with her. All of the feelings I thought were gone came rushing back and I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. I felt actual physical pain. I did not know what to say or do or thinkm so I cried, and cried and cried and cried and puked and cried some more. By then I had been having gallbladder issues which ended up leading to a 30lb weight loss and an anxiety diagnosis on top of the manic depression I have been suffering from since my early teens and it all came back to me. I wanted to die, my world felt like it was falling apart, the man I gave up everything for was now walking away fromme because I failed as a wife and he sought comfort elsewhere. But how could I be upset? I had a man in my life now, someone who was filling the void that I didn't know was there. It makes no sense but I was hurting, and worse than I have ever hurt in my life. I spent the next couple of days in a daze, literally mourning my husband, grieving the loss of my marriage. All the while my new friend was right there by my side holding me, letting me cry, being the strength I no longer had. The strongest person I knew, me, crumbled. The following week I filed for divorce. I tried to put it all behind me and move on. Then I got another phone call a few weeks later. It was my husband, he was dumbfounded and confused. He had gotten the divorce papers and was freaking out. He cried and begged and pleaded. Once again the feelings I felt for him came rushing back, but at the same time I had begun to fall in love with Joe, my new dude. I was so confused. I didn't know what to do. After a few days of thinking I decided to work things out with my husband, so I withdrew a bit from Joe. My husband became the man I fel in love with again and I felt us getting stronger. But all the while Joe was telling me that he loved me, told me everyday how beautiful I was, and made me feel so loved. During this time Joe and I had begun having some pretty major issues which is what was making me want my husband more, but we were getting through it. Then something insane happened.....I found out I was pregnant!! 9 years after Taryn, I'm pregnant, doctors telling me it will never happen and I am pregnant. I will admit, it was the 2nd hardest news I had received this year. I smiled like I was happy, but I was dying inside. So many different thoughts and emotions were washing over me. I am pregnant by someone I barely know, someoone who in our short time together has already hurt me, someone who was not my husband. I will not lie, I considered ending the pregnancy on more than one occassion, and it is my husband that convinced me to keep it. He was devistated when I told him about the baby. We cried and cried together. He told me that ok, its official, our marriage is over, there is no turning back now, but that he would never leave my side. We were friends before we were married and our frienship is deep enough to survive this and divorce. He reminded me that this baby is a miracle, something I had been praying for and I I got rid of it, that would be a slap in God's face and I may never get this chance again. So I resolved to keep the baby and put my all into making it work with Joe. Yes a part of me will always love Brian, but that love is now a part of my past, our friendship is what lies ahead. Joe, Taryn, and our daughter Leila are what my future holds. I still have my days where I miss my husband, and our marriage, and no I dont think it is going to go away anytime soon, but I have to refocus my life. I am no longer Brian's wife, a lifer's wife, I am now Taryn and Leila's mom and only that. I do not know what the future holds for me and Joe, but I am interested to find out. Just know...I am still not ok, I am still depressed, and I still smile throught the pain, but I do know one thing for sure...this too shall pass

Soon...

So I haven't been on here in a while but I promise I will begin blogging again very soon. As soon as I figure out how to make it all fancy and pro looking :)

The Big "30"

Sooo....tomorrow I am turning 30. That's a pretty big deal from what I hear. My 30 years of life have been...well...interesting to say the least! I feel a book deal is in order! :) I have loved, lost, loved again. Been stomped on, thrown aside, neglected, loved, adoreded, and cherished. I excelled in sports, graduated high school, made a few attempts at college(not my thing), had a baby, bought a house, owned my dream car, had some jobs, lost some jobs, got married, and rebuilt my life from the ground up(still a work in progress). There are a few things I would change but nothing that I regret. I have done what I've done for a reason and at the time I did it I must have had a good reason. I have gained friends, lost friends, and learned the meaning of true friends.
My mother and I are finally where we need to be and I am so thankful for her. My dad, well that's one of those to be continued kinda stories. I just pray one day he realizes I am here. My sister and I are closer than we ever have been and it's about time she is my sister and not my mom. My little baby bird Taryn is everything I ever dreamed she would be and a lil more.
I'm not goona get to sappy so I'm keeping this one short. I am happy to be 30! I just hope everyone comes along for the ride that will be the next 30 cuz heck, I'm just getting started!

65 of me

1. I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going
2. My best friend in the whole world lives in the same town as me yet I never see her and miss her everyday
3. Being a mom scares the shit out of me everyday
4. I LOVE to sing and wish I had the balls to do it publicly again
5. The skinny girl inside me still loves to dance like a video vixen
6. I really am happier not working for the state
7. I have become addicted to softball
8. I have been pulling my hair for almost 22yrs now
9. I love my husband dearly but most days can't stand him
10. I want to go to school out of town but have every excuse why I haven't left yet
11. I'm only loud because I afraid of being ignored
12. I love watching murder shows like the first 48
13. The smell of old books is like an aphrodisiac to me
14. I could never be a stay at home mom, my child would come up missing
15. I think masturbating is gross
16. I love it when my mind goes completely blank, I think its funny
17. I am afraid that the tumor in my sinus is back, but I won't go to the doctor
18. I LOVE my job even though I make squat
19. I am obsessed with Gay men, like OBSESSED!!
20. I have recently come to the conclusion that I love women
21. I am tired of smiling all the damn time
22. I wonder how such an evil relationship created something as beautiful and perfect and my daughter
23. I really really miss my Audi!!
24. I could lay in bed all day and watch Law and Order: SVU
25. I love scary movies but cannot watch them alone, not even during the day
26. My back has made me lazy and given me an excuse to stay fat which in turn keeps me alone
27. I wish I had a brother
28. I have not went shopping for new clothes since 2003
29. I love all of my friends, prob more than they deserve
30. I am an absolute open book

31. I am a felon
32. I am actually very shy until I get to know you
33. My parents were drug addicts until I was 11
34. My mom used to beat me everyday, especially is she was sober and needed a fix
35. I don’t know anything about my dad and I was raised in the same house as him
36. I have MAJOR daddy issues
37. I have been in 3 relationships in my life and cheated during 2 of them
38. My babies dad took a lot of “me” and I still haven’t gotten it back
39. I fist fought the entire time I was pregnant, I fought to save my baby
40. I say that people talking about me cuz of my hair doesn’t bug me, but it crushes me everytime
41. I have hated my sister my whole life because she is prettier than me
42. I love to love
43. I have no problem taking care of who I am with. I like being the bread winner
44. I am scared of drugs, they have taken so much from me
45. I hate being alone, but I love the silence that comes with it
46. I am a skin picker
47. I sometimes regret having a kid and I have used her as an excuse for not doing anything with my life
48. I smile, but I am miserable
49. I cry every day, sometimes for a few min, sometimes for hours
50. I have attempted suicide twice
51. The only reason I am alive is because I don’t trust anyone else to take care of my daughter
52. I cut my mom out of my life for 5 years because she was a crack addict

53. I LOVE to dance

54. I once got offered $6,000 to do a porn. I declined

55. I am a really bad liar

56. I will go far out of my way and comfort zone to make someone else feel better

57. I have literally given my last dollar to someone before and let my phone get disconnected instead

58. I wish I could draw

59. My right foot is bigger than my left

60. One of the worst decisions I ever made was to get a breast reduction. The doctor butchered me.

61. I am ssslllooowwwllly learning to embrace the body I have "now" and stopped holding on the the body I had "then"

62. Im scared to death of going back to school, but I have to create a better future for Taryn.

63. I would leave him for her

64. The greatest accomplishment in my 30 years has been having a healthy child

65. I met Larry from 3's Company at a singing competition in Burbank

Your fucking kidding me right???

So as I am walking into work one day with my sis, I am approached by two guys in suits. One I know and the other I have no clue who he is. They ask me to come with them for a quick chat. Ok, sure why not.
Into a little office we go. They sit me down with my back against a desk the the sit in front of me one by each of my knees. They tell me that I am in there to be interviewed regarding Felony Over familiarity or some shit. WTF? I don't commit felonies so I have no idea what they are talking about but I an instantly scared. I have never been interviewed for an investigation before and I have never been in trouble a day in my life. I ask for my Union Steward. I don't get one.  The begin to question me about random crap. Thinking back, I don't even remember hearing them, I was in such a haze, it was so surreal. I asked for my union steward again. Didn't get one. They search my purse and ID holder. In my ID holder is a paper with Brian's social, dob, and school id number. I used it to check on his graduation status and forgot to throw it away.
They ask me who's info it is. I tell them it is that of my clerk. They question me more about him. I deny everything in the beginning. They keep asking, I keep denying. Then the kicker comes. If you tell us, there is a chance you could save ur job. Wow really? Sounds hard to believe but shit, so many others have been caught doing worse and got a pay cut, or put in the mail room so it is possible. So I talk. Anyone who knows me knows I crack under pressure, especially if I am alone in a room with 2 officers, pinned against a desk being questioned, and terrified. I ask for my union steward one more time. They let me call, she isn't there. I panic. I admit to having a relationship with him, I admit to having sex with him, I admit to loving him. Their response....you can't help who you fall in love with, the heart wants what the heart wants. Bullshit! They take me to Business Services to sign papers and wait. I call my sister to come up front so I can get her car keys so I can leave. She starts freaking out cuz they wont let her talk to me. One walks me to the car and he searches it. He walks away as I get in. I hear the yard go down. My heart breaks. Brian is not going to know what hit him. He has been write up free for like 10 years and now they are coming to get him. They took all of my clerks to the hole I found out later that night. I don't think I have ever cried that hard in my life.
The next couple of days I spent crying. I couldn't function at all, I woke up, got in the shower and would vomit for hours. Poor Taryn, her mom had disappeared. My mom had to come a take her for a week cuz I couldn't function. All I could do was cry and puke. People turned their back on me. I expected it. It still hurt. I mourned. I cried for the loss of my future, my house, my car, my money, my daughters future, the man that I loved, my family, my friends. I mourned. I it was all gone and I didn't know how to recover.
It took me a month to get up the nerve to go to my Dad. He was gonna slap me, I could feel it. "Tina" he was gonna say, "How could you be so fucking stupid" *slap* I knew it was coming. He walked outside, gave me a hug, told me he loved me, and asked what I was gonna do for a job now. I was speechless. We never talked about it again. Until recently.
A few months later I am on my way to Parker for a night out and I get pulled over. The officer runs my ID and then asks me to get out of the car. That was a first. He informs me that I have a warrant out for my arrest but it not extraditable so he isn't gonna arrest me. Um, dude....are you sure you have thr right Holley cuz I have never even been arrested. Yup...it was me all right. He sed it was for some sort of sex crime. WTF!!!!
I turned myself into the court the following week. The charge was: An officer or employee of detention engaging in a sex act with a CONSENTING adult. WTF?! Let me tell you..the DA had it in for me BAD!! He was pushing for 5 years in state prison even though he cuda let me walk with probation and a fine. Asshole! I had never in my life heard of anyone being prosecuted for this. What about all the women that get walked in on bent over their desk? What about the CO's that get caught with Parolees? I wasn't an officer, sworn to uphold the law so why was I getting harsher treatment than them? SO.....2 years later and lots of wasted tax payer money..I took a deal. I now have 4 felonies, 3 years probation, and 1200 in fines. Did they really think they were making an example outta me? Did they really think charging me was gonna stop anyone else? It didn't and it won't. What it did do is tarnish me and any future endeavours. Assholes! I can go to school and work in the medical field like I had been planning cuz I can't get bonded. :(
I'm not blaming CDC for what happened. I knew what I was doing, I didn't know it was a crime though. I wouldn't go back and change anything  I did that day though. My life is exactly where it is supposed to be. I will rise again. I will get back all that I lost. I'm a fighter. I'm a Holley!