So as I am walking into work one day with my sis, I am approached by two guys in suits. One I know and the other I have no clue who he is. They ask me to come with them for a quick chat. Ok, sure why not.
Into a little office we go. They sit me down with my back against a desk the the sit in front of me one by each of my knees. They tell me that I am in there to be interviewed regarding Felony Over familiarity or some shit. WTF? I don't commit felonies so I have no idea what they are talking about but I an instantly scared. I have never been interviewed for an investigation before and I have never been in trouble a day in my life. I ask for my Union Steward. I don't get one. The begin to question me about random crap. Thinking back, I don't even remember hearing them, I was in such a haze, it was so surreal. I asked for my union steward again. Didn't get one. They search my purse and ID holder. In my ID holder is a paper with Brian's social, dob, and school id number. I used it to check on his graduation status and forgot to throw it away.
They ask me who's info it is. I tell them it is that of my clerk. They question me more about him. I deny everything in the beginning. They keep asking, I keep denying. Then the kicker comes. If you tell us, there is a chance you could save ur job. Wow really? Sounds hard to believe but shit, so many others have been caught doing worse and got a pay cut, or put in the mail room so it is possible. So I talk. Anyone who knows me knows I crack under pressure, especially if I am alone in a room with 2 officers, pinned against a desk being questioned, and terrified. I ask for my union steward one more time. They let me call, she isn't there. I panic. I admit to having a relationship with him, I admit to having sex with him, I admit to loving him. Their response....you can't help who you fall in love with, the heart wants what the heart wants. Bullshit! They take me to Business Services to sign papers and wait. I call my sister to come up front so I can get her car keys so I can leave. She starts freaking out cuz they wont let her talk to me. One walks me to the car and he searches it. He walks away as I get in. I hear the yard go down. My heart breaks. Brian is not going to know what hit him. He has been write up free for like 10 years and now they are coming to get him. They took all of my clerks to the hole I found out later that night. I don't think I have ever cried that hard in my life.
The next couple of days I spent crying. I couldn't function at all, I woke up, got in the shower and would vomit for hours. Poor Taryn, her mom had disappeared. My mom had to come a take her for a week cuz I couldn't function. All I could do was cry and puke. People turned their back on me. I expected it. It still hurt. I mourned. I cried for the loss of my future, my house, my car, my money, my daughters future, the man that I loved, my family, my friends. I mourned. I it was all gone and I didn't know how to recover.
It took me a month to get up the nerve to go to my Dad. He was gonna slap me, I could feel it. "Tina" he was gonna say, "How could you be so fucking stupid" *slap* I knew it was coming. He walked outside, gave me a hug, told me he loved me, and asked what I was gonna do for a job now. I was speechless. We never talked about it again. Until recently.
A few months later I am on my way to Parker for a night out and I get pulled over. The officer runs my ID and then asks me to get out of the car. That was a first. He informs me that I have a warrant out for my arrest but it not extraditable so he isn't gonna arrest me. Um, dude....are you sure you have thr right Holley cuz I have never even been arrested. Yup...it was me all right. He sed it was for some sort of sex crime. WTF!!!!
I turned myself into the court the following week. The charge was: An officer or employee of detention engaging in a sex act with a CONSENTING adult. WTF?! Let me tell you..the DA had it in for me BAD!! He was pushing for 5 years in state prison even though he cuda let me walk with probation and a fine. Asshole! I had never in my life heard of anyone being prosecuted for this. What about all the women that get walked in on bent over their desk? What about the CO's that get caught with Parolees? I wasn't an officer, sworn to uphold the law so why was I getting harsher treatment than them? SO.....2 years later and lots of wasted tax payer money..I took a deal. I now have 4 felonies, 3 years probation, and 1200 in fines. Did they really think they were making an example outta me? Did they really think charging me was gonna stop anyone else? It didn't and it won't. What it did do is tarnish me and any future endeavours. Assholes! I can go to school and work in the medical field like I had been planning cuz I can't get bonded. :(
I'm not blaming CDC for what happened. I knew what I was doing, I didn't know it was a crime though. I wouldn't go back and change anything I did that day though. My life is exactly where it is supposed to be. I will rise again. I will get back all that I lost. I'm a fighter. I'm a Holley!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Moving right along...
I can never decide if i want to write using a time line or just talk about what I want to talk about when I want to talk about it. So, I may bounce back and forth between the past and the present. Lets get outta the 80's and 90's for a bit. I'll fill you all in on Brian, my husband.
He walked into my life in November of 2006. I was working at the prison then as a Library Technical Assistant. He as most of you know is an inmate. My boss had hired him and when he walked into the door that whole light shining down from heaven angels singing thing happened. He was BEAUTIFUL! Tall, muscles, clean cut, very groomed even for being in prison. One problem....he wouldn't talk to me. He kept his eyes on the floor and whispered when he talked. He came in everyday and did his work, studyied for school or read his bible when work was done. During this time I had befriended another worker of mine that would laugh and joke with me every day and after a few months Brian began to loosen up towards me after seeing I wasn't and asshole. We began to talk more and more everday and I learned alot about him. He had been in prison for 16yrs at the time. He was serving 15 to life for 2nd degree murder. He was the driver in a drive by shooting back in 92. His crime partner, the shooter, got 25 to life. I learned that he had a daughter, she was 17. He had been 17 when his girlfriend had her. He had married his childhood sweetheart, they had been together since they were 12 and divorced in 2000. He was a devout Christian. He was brilliant, he was kind, he was driven, he had dreams, he was brutally honest and he was wasting away in prison for a stupid decision he made when he was 19. We talked about his mom and dad, his sister, his niece and nephews. He blushed beet red if the subject changed to anything remotely sexual, even if it wasn't me talking. He blushed all the time. I think that was what initially attracted me to him. Even though he was 'Hard' from prison, he was a teddy bear core. As time went on I got to see the many different sides to him. He loved old school 50's doo-wop music, classic rock and country. A hispanic ex-gang member from Los Angeles listened to country!! He would sing at the top of his lungs in the worst singing voice I had ever heard and not care that everyone hated it, he did it cause he liked it and it made me crack up!!
One day as we were getting ready to leave he called me into a back room. He said, "Tina,(this was the 1st time he had ever used my first name) I cannot leave today without doing this." He kissed me. My heart stopped. I completely froze. Holy crap I just lost my job! Fuck it! I kissed him back. I knew at that moment that I loved him. It had been almost a year to the day that I had met him.
Christmas time came around. We decorated the office, played games and even had a gift exchange between the workers. It was so much fun. One day during lunch he asked if he could stay behind because he had a surprise. By then I no longer saw him as an inmate, I didn't see the Blue color of his clothes, I had stopped seeing that a long time ago, I only saw the man. I let him stay behind. He told me to go into the bathroom and wait 2 min then come out and go back to my desk. I did. When I went to my desk there was a rose there and a little note that had a call # to a book. I went and found the book and inside there was a card. I'll keep that little bit of heaven in my head, because his words aremine to keep. There was another note that said to go into another room. When I opened the door to the room on the wall the was a sign that said "I Love You" and it was all lit up with book lights. Lol and there he stood in the corner. He said, "I am in prison, I can't hold you at night, I can't be there with you on the weekends, I don't have money, a car, nothing to offer you but me. My heart, my mind, my soul. I love you and I want us to be together. All I could say was, "OK" He cried then too. That was the 1st day of life as I now know it....
He walked into my life in November of 2006. I was working at the prison then as a Library Technical Assistant. He as most of you know is an inmate. My boss had hired him and when he walked into the door that whole light shining down from heaven angels singing thing happened. He was BEAUTIFUL! Tall, muscles, clean cut, very groomed even for being in prison. One problem....he wouldn't talk to me. He kept his eyes on the floor and whispered when he talked. He came in everyday and did his work, studyied for school or read his bible when work was done. During this time I had befriended another worker of mine that would laugh and joke with me every day and after a few months Brian began to loosen up towards me after seeing I wasn't and asshole. We began to talk more and more everday and I learned alot about him. He had been in prison for 16yrs at the time. He was serving 15 to life for 2nd degree murder. He was the driver in a drive by shooting back in 92. His crime partner, the shooter, got 25 to life. I learned that he had a daughter, she was 17. He had been 17 when his girlfriend had her. He had married his childhood sweetheart, they had been together since they were 12 and divorced in 2000. He was a devout Christian. He was brilliant, he was kind, he was driven, he had dreams, he was brutally honest and he was wasting away in prison for a stupid decision he made when he was 19. We talked about his mom and dad, his sister, his niece and nephews. He blushed beet red if the subject changed to anything remotely sexual, even if it wasn't me talking. He blushed all the time. I think that was what initially attracted me to him. Even though he was 'Hard' from prison, he was a teddy bear core. As time went on I got to see the many different sides to him. He loved old school 50's doo-wop music, classic rock and country. A hispanic ex-gang member from Los Angeles listened to country!! He would sing at the top of his lungs in the worst singing voice I had ever heard and not care that everyone hated it, he did it cause he liked it and it made me crack up!!
One day as we were getting ready to leave he called me into a back room. He said, "Tina,(this was the 1st time he had ever used my first name) I cannot leave today without doing this." He kissed me. My heart stopped. I completely froze. Holy crap I just lost my job! Fuck it! I kissed him back. I knew at that moment that I loved him. It had been almost a year to the day that I had met him.
Christmas time came around. We decorated the office, played games and even had a gift exchange between the workers. It was so much fun. One day during lunch he asked if he could stay behind because he had a surprise. By then I no longer saw him as an inmate, I didn't see the Blue color of his clothes, I had stopped seeing that a long time ago, I only saw the man. I let him stay behind. He told me to go into the bathroom and wait 2 min then come out and go back to my desk. I did. When I went to my desk there was a rose there and a little note that had a call # to a book. I went and found the book and inside there was a card. I'll keep that little bit of heaven in my head, because his words aremine to keep. There was another note that said to go into another room. When I opened the door to the room on the wall the was a sign that said "I Love You" and it was all lit up with book lights. Lol and there he stood in the corner. He said, "I am in prison, I can't hold you at night, I can't be there with you on the weekends, I don't have money, a car, nothing to offer you but me. My heart, my mind, my soul. I love you and I want us to be together. All I could say was, "OK" He cried then too. That was the 1st day of life as I now know it....
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
My Skinny Munkey
Taryn is a character. She is 7 going on 25, too smart for her own good, stong willed, opinionated, hilarious, loving, caring, giving, emotional and very dramatic. She is perfect. Everything I think will make for a very sucessfull and important woman one day. I feel she is going to do great things in her life.
When I got pregnant I was sooo scared. I was 22, barely knew her father and didn't have my shit together at all. My pregnancy was rough, not physically but emotionally. My ex was beating the crap out of me and fighting everyday, my grandfather died, and we were broke. I think a lot of that is the reason I have always felt a bit of a disconnect with her. I was never able to "bond" with my baby because I was too busy trying to save us. I'm always too busy trying to save us even now.
My delivery was insane. I was induced on a Sunday, Aug 24th 2003 at 6 p.m. I had an allergic reaction to the medicine they used to soften my cervix. High fever, contractions off the chart and seizures. The next morning the started the Pitocin. I rememeber the labor not progressing at all! At about a 3 the doc came in and broke my water. Holy freakin pain. I was going to try and have a drug free delivery and i prob would have had it not been for the night before. It scared me to death. I got an epidural and crashed out. A lil before 5 p.m. I woke up to see the concern my sis was trying to hide on her face. Something was wrong with the baby. The doc came in and let me know they were going to do a c-section because the babys heartbeat was spiking. I had never had surgery before, I was so scared! By 5:20 I had a baby. I rememeber the doc sayin, "Look at those Lips!" as he pulled her out, and then 'Oh, she's peeing!" lol. She had the biggest, redest lips I had ever seen. She was snow white with black hair and green eyes. It looked like I had stolen her. She was beautiful!
She started talking when she was 10 months old. Her first word was backpack. She was walking by 11 months. By the time she was 2 she knew the abc's and could count to 10 in english and spanish. I cannot believe how smart she is! It amazes me everyday. She is great in math and reading. She has so much of me and her dad in her its crazy. She looks just like him and acts just like me.
When she was younger I always felt such a disconnect from her, like she wasn't really mine and her real mom was coming to get her. I hated myself for not being bonded to her. Sometimes I feel like I am still going through post partum depression. Then I watch her sleep and I love her a lil more everyday. It's been a slow process. Don't get me wrong, I love her more than life itself, and would give my last breath to her. But I just feel off when it comes to the whole mom/daughter thing.
I can't wait to see how she is gonna look when she is a teen. Her face changes so much each year.
Crap...time to go home..ttyl
When I got pregnant I was sooo scared. I was 22, barely knew her father and didn't have my shit together at all. My pregnancy was rough, not physically but emotionally. My ex was beating the crap out of me and fighting everyday, my grandfather died, and we were broke. I think a lot of that is the reason I have always felt a bit of a disconnect with her. I was never able to "bond" with my baby because I was too busy trying to save us. I'm always too busy trying to save us even now.
My delivery was insane. I was induced on a Sunday, Aug 24th 2003 at 6 p.m. I had an allergic reaction to the medicine they used to soften my cervix. High fever, contractions off the chart and seizures. The next morning the started the Pitocin. I rememeber the labor not progressing at all! At about a 3 the doc came in and broke my water. Holy freakin pain. I was going to try and have a drug free delivery and i prob would have had it not been for the night before. It scared me to death. I got an epidural and crashed out. A lil before 5 p.m. I woke up to see the concern my sis was trying to hide on her face. Something was wrong with the baby. The doc came in and let me know they were going to do a c-section because the babys heartbeat was spiking. I had never had surgery before, I was so scared! By 5:20 I had a baby. I rememeber the doc sayin, "Look at those Lips!" as he pulled her out, and then 'Oh, she's peeing!" lol. She had the biggest, redest lips I had ever seen. She was snow white with black hair and green eyes. It looked like I had stolen her. She was beautiful!
She started talking when she was 10 months old. Her first word was backpack. She was walking by 11 months. By the time she was 2 she knew the abc's and could count to 10 in english and spanish. I cannot believe how smart she is! It amazes me everyday. She is great in math and reading. She has so much of me and her dad in her its crazy. She looks just like him and acts just like me.
When she was younger I always felt such a disconnect from her, like she wasn't really mine and her real mom was coming to get her. I hated myself for not being bonded to her. Sometimes I feel like I am still going through post partum depression. Then I watch her sleep and I love her a lil more everyday. It's been a slow process. Don't get me wrong, I love her more than life itself, and would give my last breath to her. But I just feel off when it comes to the whole mom/daughter thing.
I can't wait to see how she is gonna look when she is a teen. Her face changes so much each year.
Crap...time to go home..ttyl
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Who Cares?.....It's just hair!
Well this week is Trichotillomania Awareness Week, Oct 1-7th, so I figured I would fill you in on exactly what is is and how I have dealt with it and how I live with it.
Trichotillomania (trick-o-til-o-MAY-nee-ah) is a disorder that causes people to pull out the hair from their scalp, eyelashes, eyebrows, pubic area, underarms, beard, chest, legs or other parts of the body, resulting in noticeable bald patches. *I don't do my eyelases or eyebrows or pits cuz damn, it hurts, I don't fel pain anywhere else on my body when it comes to pulling, and pulling from the pubic are has turned me into a mild skin picker. *Hair pulling varies greatly in its severity, location on the body, and response to treatment. For some people, at some times, trichotillomania is mild and can be quelled with a bit of extra awareness and concentration. For others, at times the urge may be so strong that it makes thinking of anything else nearly impossible.
Trichotillomania (also referred to as TTM or "trich") is currently defined as an impulse control disorder but there are still questions about how it should be classified. It may seem to resemble a habit, an addiction, a tic disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder.
While the underlying biology is not clearly understood at this time, we do know that people with trichotillomania generally have a neurologically based predisposition to pull their hair as a self-soothing mechanism. The pulling behavior serves as a coping mechanism for anxiety and other difficult emotions. It does not hurt and they are not trying to damage themselves. While the average age of onset is 11, trich can be found in children as young as one year old. Onset of trich can be triggered by simple sensory events, such as itchy eyelashes, or by stressful life events, and it can occur quite suddenly.Hair pulling is not purely a "nervous" behavior, though it is sometimes triggered or exacerbated by stress. Surprisingly, hair pulling is just as often associated with other emotions such as boredom. The strong compulsion to pull out hair exceeds the normal idea of a "habit" that can be controlled through simple will power. *Believe me...if I could stop it I would! I have been pulling for 21 years now! That's longer that most people I know have been alice*Hair pulling can lead to repetitive motion injuries, which do make it painful to move the arms or hands to pull hair. But often the pain cannot deter the urge to pull the hair. Biting or swallowing all or part of the pulled hairs is not uncommon. This behavior can range from harmless when hair roots are nibbled and swallowed, to dangerous when the entire hairs are ingested. *Oooo I have to admit, the roots are the best! I think I started eating my hair initially as a way to hide it from my mom when she would come search my room, and it just stuck. The formation of a hairball (trichobezoar) can lead to intestinal blockage and may require surgery. *I am super lucky that this hasn't happened to me YET!*This is a rare but serious condition that can even be fatal if not treated promptly. The danger is amplified by the fact that many people with trichotillomania are too embarrassed to seek medical treatment.
Ya know, I used to be embarressed by my hair pulling. In middle school it was the worst because damn, preteens are mean as hell!! I tried not to go to school as much as possible because there were a group of guys that made my life miserable everychance they got. I was going to therapy and on heavy doses of medication back then to help "cure" me. I ended up in the hospital after swallowing a bottle of pills. The anti depressants I was on made me severly lethargic and suicidal. I to this day and thankful that Monique was at my house that night and was able to tell her mom what I had done so I was taken to the hospital before I fell asleep. Let me tell you, drinking charcoal freakin sucks!! But it beats having your stomach pumped!!
Once I got into highschool I was deemed "undateable" by the powers that be in teen land. When I look back, damn those guys missed out cuz damn did they see me? I hate to toot my own horn but I was hot as hell in highschool!! I had huge boobs, a six pack, a killer smile and well, no ass, but hey can't that be overlooked?! lmao Those same guys that wouldn't date me in school were trying to get it in after highschool, and some of them succeeded. I have to admit I turned into quite a lil floozy after highschool even though I had a great boyfriend that adored me. I felt wanted and accepted when I was putting out. I do know that I wasn't wanted or excepted, I was just being a slut. Ah well, it was FUN!! I got over caring what anyone thought about my hair or lack of it along time ago. I figured if you can't get past my hair but I can get past ur ugly face or little man, you don't deserve my time!!
I started wearing wigs in 07. Why the hell didn't anyone show me a damn wig shop when I was in school? Thank you Angela for dragging me into one. I remember where it was too! She drove my but all the way to Lemert Park in LA to get some hair. I almost cried in the car. I told her there was no way in hell I was going in there, I was way too embarressed. Her exact words were, "But you aren't embarressed to walk around looking like that?" The thing about that girl is she keeps it 100 all the time! She was right. I walked in there and put some damn hair on. My first one was a short spikey cut with lil bangs. I rocked that hair!! Now I am officially a girl! I obsess over my hair like it is actually growing outta my head! I LOVE WIGS!!! Everyone should own one!!! As a matter a fact I'm going to end this so I can order some more!!!! :)
Trichotillomania (trick-o-til-o-MAY-nee-ah) is a disorder that causes people to pull out the hair from their scalp, eyelashes, eyebrows, pubic area, underarms, beard, chest, legs or other parts of the body, resulting in noticeable bald patches. *I don't do my eyelases or eyebrows or pits cuz damn, it hurts, I don't fel pain anywhere else on my body when it comes to pulling, and pulling from the pubic are has turned me into a mild skin picker. *Hair pulling varies greatly in its severity, location on the body, and response to treatment. For some people, at some times, trichotillomania is mild and can be quelled with a bit of extra awareness and concentration. For others, at times the urge may be so strong that it makes thinking of anything else nearly impossible.
Trichotillomania (also referred to as TTM or "trich") is currently defined as an impulse control disorder but there are still questions about how it should be classified. It may seem to resemble a habit, an addiction, a tic disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder.
While the underlying biology is not clearly understood at this time, we do know that people with trichotillomania generally have a neurologically based predisposition to pull their hair as a self-soothing mechanism. The pulling behavior serves as a coping mechanism for anxiety and other difficult emotions. It does not hurt and they are not trying to damage themselves. While the average age of onset is 11, trich can be found in children as young as one year old. Onset of trich can be triggered by simple sensory events, such as itchy eyelashes, or by stressful life events, and it can occur quite suddenly.Hair pulling is not purely a "nervous" behavior, though it is sometimes triggered or exacerbated by stress. Surprisingly, hair pulling is just as often associated with other emotions such as boredom. The strong compulsion to pull out hair exceeds the normal idea of a "habit" that can be controlled through simple will power. *Believe me...if I could stop it I would! I have been pulling for 21 years now! That's longer that most people I know have been alice*Hair pulling can lead to repetitive motion injuries, which do make it painful to move the arms or hands to pull hair. But often the pain cannot deter the urge to pull the hair. Biting or swallowing all or part of the pulled hairs is not uncommon. This behavior can range from harmless when hair roots are nibbled and swallowed, to dangerous when the entire hairs are ingested. *Oooo I have to admit, the roots are the best! I think I started eating my hair initially as a way to hide it from my mom when she would come search my room, and it just stuck. The formation of a hairball (trichobezoar) can lead to intestinal blockage and may require surgery. *I am super lucky that this hasn't happened to me YET!*This is a rare but serious condition that can even be fatal if not treated promptly. The danger is amplified by the fact that many people with trichotillomania are too embarrassed to seek medical treatment.
Ya know, I used to be embarressed by my hair pulling. In middle school it was the worst because damn, preteens are mean as hell!! I tried not to go to school as much as possible because there were a group of guys that made my life miserable everychance they got. I was going to therapy and on heavy doses of medication back then to help "cure" me. I ended up in the hospital after swallowing a bottle of pills. The anti depressants I was on made me severly lethargic and suicidal. I to this day and thankful that Monique was at my house that night and was able to tell her mom what I had done so I was taken to the hospital before I fell asleep. Let me tell you, drinking charcoal freakin sucks!! But it beats having your stomach pumped!!
Once I got into highschool I was deemed "undateable" by the powers that be in teen land. When I look back, damn those guys missed out cuz damn did they see me? I hate to toot my own horn but I was hot as hell in highschool!! I had huge boobs, a six pack, a killer smile and well, no ass, but hey can't that be overlooked?! lmao Those same guys that wouldn't date me in school were trying to get it in after highschool, and some of them succeeded. I have to admit I turned into quite a lil floozy after highschool even though I had a great boyfriend that adored me. I felt wanted and accepted when I was putting out. I do know that I wasn't wanted or excepted, I was just being a slut. Ah well, it was FUN!! I got over caring what anyone thought about my hair or lack of it along time ago. I figured if you can't get past my hair but I can get past ur ugly face or little man, you don't deserve my time!!
I started wearing wigs in 07. Why the hell didn't anyone show me a damn wig shop when I was in school? Thank you Angela for dragging me into one. I remember where it was too! She drove my but all the way to Lemert Park in LA to get some hair. I almost cried in the car. I told her there was no way in hell I was going in there, I was way too embarressed. Her exact words were, "But you aren't embarressed to walk around looking like that?" The thing about that girl is she keeps it 100 all the time! She was right. I walked in there and put some damn hair on. My first one was a short spikey cut with lil bangs. I rocked that hair!! Now I am officially a girl! I obsess over my hair like it is actually growing outta my head! I LOVE WIGS!!! Everyone should own one!!! As a matter a fact I'm going to end this so I can order some more!!!! :)
Monday, October 4, 2010
SSSCCCRRREEECCCHHH......let's put the breaks on for a min.
I decided to stop for a second and fill you in on some of the people in my life that have made me who I am.
Lets start with Mom..
My mom loved me the best way she knew how. As an adult raising my own child I know that now. Yes she messed up A LOT! But she tried. When my mom was on drugs when I was little, she was a monster. She will never admit to anything that happened but I know in her heart she knows. When my mom is clean, she is one of my best friends! She is a strong woman that holds a lot in, that's where I get it from. And man is she emotional! Let her wall come down and she is a blubbering mess at times. My mom has been through a lot in her life. The babymama of a murderer, the ex to a highly respected very demanding Black man, the mother of two nut cases and a sister to very complicated siblings. I love my mom til the end of time and will fight for her til I take my last breath.
Dad...
Wow...where do I start. Is it possible to grow up in a house with someone your whole life and not know anything about them. Ya know that song the Greatest Man I Never Knew, By Reba. That's me and my dad to a T. He worked his whole life to take care of us. But kept to himself. I know deep down he wanted a son and I grew up my whole life feeling he never loved me quite as much as he would had a been born a boy. I am his only daughter, his only child, but you would never know I exsited in his world it it weren't for the pictures hanging up in his house or the fact that I look exactly like him. With him its my way or the highway. You have to understand that to the people in this town my dad is AWESOME! Such a nice guy that will go out of his way to help anyone! Always willing to lend a hand or a dollar to those who need it. They are right, he is... To everyone whose name is not Tina. Yes I admit I am 29 yrs old and have MAJOR daddy issues. I'm just scratching the surface here. But imagine growing up with someone who told you that you are an embarrassement, compared you to your going to school for his PHD cousin(sorry J). I excelled at sports to win his approval. It worked! But when sports ended so did his approval. I have built myself up to be kicked back down numerous times, but like a kicked puppy, I crawl back always looking for his approval and wanting his love. Maybe, just maybe, someday.
Sister...
I love my sister. I love her more than I think she will ever know. She was my mother for a major part of our childhood and I think she resents me for it sometimes. She saved me from my mom when she could, but was smart enough to leave when she was old enough. Have you seen this girl? My sis is BEAUTIFUL! Great hair, high indian cheekbones. I adored watching her get ready for school when she lived with us. I wanted to look just like her when I grew up. That ended up giving me a lot of appearance issues. It was hard being the bald-headed little sister to such a beautiful girl. To this day a lot of people that don't know us do not believe that we are sisters, or even related. We are the exact opposite that is for sure! I enjoy my solitude where she loves her some "company". She has had a rougher time in her life being the daughter of her biological father. Even though I don't think she will ever admit, it has shaped who she is down to the core.
We butt heads alot she and I. She is very opinionated and not afraid to force feed you her opionion until you gag on it and puke or swallow it and do things her way. She is strong. And I love her. But she will never win an argument with me, because I am stonger. :)
Lets start with Mom..
My mom loved me the best way she knew how. As an adult raising my own child I know that now. Yes she messed up A LOT! But she tried. When my mom was on drugs when I was little, she was a monster. She will never admit to anything that happened but I know in her heart she knows. When my mom is clean, she is one of my best friends! She is a strong woman that holds a lot in, that's where I get it from. And man is she emotional! Let her wall come down and she is a blubbering mess at times. My mom has been through a lot in her life. The babymama of a murderer, the ex to a highly respected very demanding Black man, the mother of two nut cases and a sister to very complicated siblings. I love my mom til the end of time and will fight for her til I take my last breath.
Dad...
Wow...where do I start. Is it possible to grow up in a house with someone your whole life and not know anything about them. Ya know that song the Greatest Man I Never Knew, By Reba. That's me and my dad to a T. He worked his whole life to take care of us. But kept to himself. I know deep down he wanted a son and I grew up my whole life feeling he never loved me quite as much as he would had a been born a boy. I am his only daughter, his only child, but you would never know I exsited in his world it it weren't for the pictures hanging up in his house or the fact that I look exactly like him. With him its my way or the highway. You have to understand that to the people in this town my dad is AWESOME! Such a nice guy that will go out of his way to help anyone! Always willing to lend a hand or a dollar to those who need it. They are right, he is... To everyone whose name is not Tina. Yes I admit I am 29 yrs old and have MAJOR daddy issues. I'm just scratching the surface here. But imagine growing up with someone who told you that you are an embarrassement, compared you to your going to school for his PHD cousin(sorry J). I excelled at sports to win his approval. It worked! But when sports ended so did his approval. I have built myself up to be kicked back down numerous times, but like a kicked puppy, I crawl back always looking for his approval and wanting his love. Maybe, just maybe, someday.
Sister...
I love my sister. I love her more than I think she will ever know. She was my mother for a major part of our childhood and I think she resents me for it sometimes. She saved me from my mom when she could, but was smart enough to leave when she was old enough. Have you seen this girl? My sis is BEAUTIFUL! Great hair, high indian cheekbones. I adored watching her get ready for school when she lived with us. I wanted to look just like her when I grew up. That ended up giving me a lot of appearance issues. It was hard being the bald-headed little sister to such a beautiful girl. To this day a lot of people that don't know us do not believe that we are sisters, or even related. We are the exact opposite that is for sure! I enjoy my solitude where she loves her some "company". She has had a rougher time in her life being the daughter of her biological father. Even though I don't think she will ever admit, it has shaped who she is down to the core.
We butt heads alot she and I. She is very opinionated and not afraid to force feed you her opionion until you gag on it and puke or swallow it and do things her way. She is strong. And I love her. But she will never win an argument with me, because I am stonger. :)
Friday, October 1, 2010
Ready? I am.....
I remember the night it started.
My parents got into a huge fight and my mom packed up our stuff and off we went to my Aunt Bev's house for the night. Pretty traumatic for an 8 year old I would say. I remember laying in the dark in Monique's bed talking about the end of my world as I knew it. I don't remember touching my head once. I got out of bed and walked into the kitchen and when Monique up behind me she said, "What is that?" "What's what?" "That there on the back of your head! You have a huge bald spot!" "Huh? What, omg MOM!!! My hair is falling out!!" My mom looked at it, freaked out a bit and sent me back to bed. I never would have known that this was the first night of a downward spiral and many years of therapy to come.
I remember sitting in class one day and a boy yelled out, "Why is Tina pulling her hair out and eating it Mrs. Creale?" Wtf was he talking about I wasn't even touching my head! I looked down at my desk and saw hair everywhere!! Omg what happened! Where did all this hair come from? I cried. During recess the teacher took me aside and asked if everything was okay at home. Of course it was, we were back home with my dad and everything was better. My teacher called my mom that night to tell her what had happened. I got the snot kicked outta me that night for doing something I didn't even know I was doing. A few days later my teacher showed my mom an article shehad found in a magazine. It was about an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder called Trichotillomania. It meant hair pulling. It was a psychological disorder that required therapy and medication and very early intervention. Mom mom didn't believe that I had that. She thought it was just a bad habit that I could stop myself. I couldn't.
She tried her hardest to "break" me of this habit. Made me sleep in gloves, hit me if she caught me pulling, made me sleep with beanies on, hit me again if I took it off. I got hit alot during the early days of my Trich. I'm pretty sure that made it worse. No, I am positive it did. She took me to a doctor once and the doc told her that it was her and my dads fault that I was doing this. She cussed him out, then beat the crap out of me for telling the doctor that she was beating the crap outta me. I went throught the rest of elementary school being forced to wear hats and bandanas to school. Kids are cruel, not because they are born that way but because they don't understand, so I was made to cry everyday. I was always mistaken for a boy. No one wanted to play with me because they thought I was contagious. Pretty sad when you look back on it. I remember once my mom popped into my 4th grade class to make sure I was wearing my bandana. I wasn't. She let me have it right there in front of everyone!
Ok so I am going to have to leave it here for now.......
My parents got into a huge fight and my mom packed up our stuff and off we went to my Aunt Bev's house for the night. Pretty traumatic for an 8 year old I would say. I remember laying in the dark in Monique's bed talking about the end of my world as I knew it. I don't remember touching my head once. I got out of bed and walked into the kitchen and when Monique up behind me she said, "What is that?" "What's what?" "That there on the back of your head! You have a huge bald spot!" "Huh? What, omg MOM!!! My hair is falling out!!" My mom looked at it, freaked out a bit and sent me back to bed. I never would have known that this was the first night of a downward spiral and many years of therapy to come.
I remember sitting in class one day and a boy yelled out, "Why is Tina pulling her hair out and eating it Mrs. Creale?" Wtf was he talking about I wasn't even touching my head! I looked down at my desk and saw hair everywhere!! Omg what happened! Where did all this hair come from? I cried. During recess the teacher took me aside and asked if everything was okay at home. Of course it was, we were back home with my dad and everything was better. My teacher called my mom that night to tell her what had happened. I got the snot kicked outta me that night for doing something I didn't even know I was doing. A few days later my teacher showed my mom an article shehad found in a magazine. It was about an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder called Trichotillomania. It meant hair pulling. It was a psychological disorder that required therapy and medication and very early intervention. Mom mom didn't believe that I had that. She thought it was just a bad habit that I could stop myself. I couldn't.
She tried her hardest to "break" me of this habit. Made me sleep in gloves, hit me if she caught me pulling, made me sleep with beanies on, hit me again if I took it off. I got hit alot during the early days of my Trich. I'm pretty sure that made it worse. No, I am positive it did. She took me to a doctor once and the doc told her that it was her and my dads fault that I was doing this. She cussed him out, then beat the crap out of me for telling the doctor that she was beating the crap outta me. I went throught the rest of elementary school being forced to wear hats and bandanas to school. Kids are cruel, not because they are born that way but because they don't understand, so I was made to cry everyday. I was always mistaken for a boy. No one wanted to play with me because they thought I was contagious. Pretty sad when you look back on it. I remember once my mom popped into my 4th grade class to make sure I was wearing my bandana. I wasn't. She let me have it right there in front of everyone!
Ok so I am going to have to leave it here for now.......
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